Should We Trust our Feelings?

Should we trust our feelings? My guess is anyone reading that question will have a number of reactions, such as: “YES!!!!“or “NOOO!!!!” or “I have no idea; I’m confused, help!” So what is the Truth? How do we know which answer is the correct one? These answers are provided below.

  1. Should we always trust our feelings? The Truth is NO.

2. Are there times we should trust our feelings? YES. Then, when? See below.

3. What if we are confused? How can we determine the correct answer? See below.

When Trusting your Feelings is Wrong:

Let’s be honest. Since the day we were born, we started out selfish, self-centered, right? All of us were born that way. If and when we grow and mature (emotionally, not in years), we become less self centered/selfish, but it takes intention and effort to grow and mature, it doesn’t come naturally, just like growth in anything else (such as working out, eating healthy, growing a business, relationships) : no pain, no gain.”

So a simple question to ask ourselves is: Is my feeling motivated by self-centeredness, selfishness? If the answer to this is “yes” then trusting your feelings is wrong. Spend time being honest with yourself about the answer to this question. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest.

When Trusting your Feelings is Right:

With the same question above, we can know if trusting our feelings is right. Is my feeling motivated by selflessness, driven by loving , contributing to or helping others? If the answer to this is “yes” then trusting your feelings is right.

What if the motivation behind the feeling is selfless, driven by love, contribution or helping others but FEAR is holding me back? Fear can a blocker to something good or it can be something that protects us. If the reason behind the fear has to do with a life or death situation then trust your fear! But if not, do not let fear guide you, it is BLOCKING YOU from growth. Say you are motivated for the right reasons and you don’t submit to fear, you proceed, then something doesn’t work out as you planned? That was still the right thing to do because it is growth. We grow when we go through tough times, we come out better! As many say: if we’re not growing, we’re dying! We can’t be doing neither, think about it. Don’t let the wrong kind of fear hold you back.

When your Feelings are Confusing you:

This is the hardest one! Confusion is telling us to: WAIT, HAVE PATIENCE, but most of all PRAY! If the answer isn’t clear after reading the above testing question to know if trusting our feelings is wrong or right, then our situation is more complicated (based on the bible, confusion occurs when unrepentant sin in involved) and we need may need forgiveness and guidance from God. Waiting does not mean do nothing, it means slow down, pause, be patient but take action in prayer right away. Talk to God about it from the deepest most honest, vulnerable part of ourselves. This is between you/me and God alone, no one else. God will give us clarity eventually. But don’t “do nothing” during this time of “waiting and patience” pray about it often until clarity is received, not “a feeling,” but unquestionable clarity. Confusion is due to sin, according to the Bible. So where do we get this clarity? From God’s word, the bible. This is the coolest, most awesome thing to discover! It seriously has all the answers to the complicated questions and it is the truth.

I wasn’t taught to go to the bible for answers to questions until recently. I didn’t use it as a resource (ever) quite honestly, but once I discovered this, I am so thankful because it answers so many questions. Today, there is no excuse for not having this resource, if you have access to the internet. Some of the bible is hard to understand the first time reading. To truly know the meaning behind a quote you see, you need to read it in context so you get the full understanding. Even when you do that for the first time, there may be questions. This is where other people can help. Not necessarily by giving their interpretation of the bible, but by directing us to other passages that answer our questions. Be VERY cautious of people who interpret the Bible, don’t take their word, but ask questions, pray about it, then you will know. There are many people today who give their opinions, don’t trust “opinions” only trust facts. Facts are found by reading the bible and through prayer. Many people are misguided but can be convincing so they will give us the wrong information and lead us down a path of destruction. Sometimes people truly have good intentions, but are still not correct. Look for answers in the bible and through prayer.

I hope considering these simple questions helps. I’ve added resources and references next:

RESOURCES

A few different FREE online bible resources (check them out to see what you like best):

Selfishness “Wisdom” from the Bible:

THE “RIGHT” FEELINGS TO FOLLOW ARE MOTIVATED BY SELFLESSNESS AND LOVE- FROM THE BIBLE:

FEAR ADDRESSED IN THE BIBLE:

HOW TO DEAL WITH CONFUSION AND TIMES OF CONFUSION (CAUSED BY SIN) – FROM THE BIBLE:

FIRST SEEK GOD – FROM THE BIBLE:

God and Relationships: Healing, Forgiveness and Love

Last night before I went to sleep, when I prayed, I asked God if He would inspire me with something meaningful to share because I haven’t written in this blog since June, I wanted to write, but I haven’t felt inspired for awhile. Well, God answered that prayer at 6 am this morning when the title of this was the first thought I had as soon as I woke up.

It amazes me how the Bible shares wisdom with us “scattered” throughout the book, through different messengers, but all giving the same message.

This topic is consistently timely because we interact with people on a daily basis and need God’s help “dealing with” people, and more appropriately “dealing with” ourselves. I’ll explain the image for this article and how it relates:

We need God in our relationships: any relationship with God as a part of it equals love.

God is love.

MAKING EXCUSES

I believe in being accountable for my own actions, not making excuses (understanding what leads me to something, but not blaming my actions on someone or something else). I’m responsible for my own actions no matter what happens around me. I personally choose to react the way I do. So why is it that I allow different standards for others? I allow excuses for them. Excuses justifying other’s actions or behavior, when I wouldn’t allow myself to act that way. I made excuses because I thought trying to be a Christian meant accepting other people as they are, and not being judgmental of others, which it does, but there is more to this:

A Christian should help others be aware of the wisdom from God through the bible (awareness only -not judgement nor retaliation- that’s reserved for God) – don’t be silent, speak up, but don’t do this in anger, do this in a loving way to build up the other person, in the knowledge of God, not tear them down.

DO NOT JUDGE:

GO TO THE BIBLE AND IN PRAYER GO TO GOD FOR ADVICE, STRENGTH AND WISDOM:

HEALING

I had to think: which comes first: healing or forgiveness? It’s a challenge to forgive someone if we haven’t healed from what happened. But we also can’t heal from it unless we forgive it (let it go). So maybe it’s a combination of healing and forgiveness, but first and most importantly seeking God. This is where we NEED God: to heal and to forgive. There is no question about that. I often think of this simple statement which is so true:

Hurt people hurt people.

Pastor Rick Warren

It’s something I keep in mind whenever someone hurts me. It’s important to have that perspective, it makes it easier to accept someone for who they are. We can’t know everything that happened to someone during their life. If someone was loved throughout their life, they wouldn’t hurt. So because they have been hurt (and haven’t healed), they hurt other people. So it’s so important for all of us to heal from the hurt other people caused in our lives.

FORGIVING

If we want a great relationship with anyone, we need to be able to forgive, regularly! Forgiving someone doesn’t mean allowing what they did to continue as if it doesn’t affect us. But if the other person who hurt us is truly sorry, that person will do their best to not do it again and ask for a second chance. If the person truly wants forgiveness and tells us how they have changed and why they have changed, then we need to offer forgiveness. (If this is an abusive situation, we may need to offer forgiveness but not remain in that person’s life for safety reasons. This type of situation requires other qualified individuals’ assessment of the situation.)

WHY WE NEED GOD FOR HEALING, FORGIVENESS AND LOVE (and Eternity):

HOW WE GET THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

On our own, we are going to fail, that’s the truth, but if we have the Holy Spirit in us, we will succeed. So how do we receive the Holy Spirit? God sends the Holy Spirit to us if we ask and OBEY God:

And this is why we need God in all of our relationships. We need a relationship with God so that we can have good relationships with other people through the strength of the Holy Spirit in us.

Once we have a relationship with God, he will protect us until the end of times.

HERE’S HOW YOU CAN TELL IF SOMEONE HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD (these qualities will be evident in that person’s life):

We obviously need God as the priority in our life, so the rest of our life can fall in place. As in any good relationship, there is an exchange of giving and receiving. This is no different with God, we aren’t going to receive the power of the Holy Spirit unless we obey God’s commands (sin keeps the power of the Holy Spirit from us). God always loves us, but the power of the Spirit is reserved for those who obey Him. The power of the Holy Spirit makes our lives more peaceful, provides joy, wisdom and enables us to love in a more godly way than we could on our own.

I hope you found this helpful for your relationships!

What Marriage should be…

It’s interesting how one idea leads to another when there are no other distractions! Yesterday I wrote “Marriage doesn’t exist in God’s Kingdom” and after I finished, I thought more should be said about marriage because it truly is something very important, it is a union envisioned and created by God, but in our culture, marriage is viewed as “disposable.”

Why should I write about this?

Because many people, even strangers surprisingly, have asked for advice and I’m not even a psychologist! I think back to when I was a teen, after my parents’ divorce, I was on my own quest for relationship advice, I didn’t know where to get it, so I kept reading books. But even in books there is a lot of bad advice out there, as I’ve finally learned, but now know the truth. So who can be trusted? There’s only one trusted source: God. So what follows is NOT MY advice; this is from the Bible, summarized here:

What marriage should be:

  1. Two people honestly focused on God as the priority

This point is the most important part of a marriage, and the emphasis is on “two,” both people, not just one person. If you both aren’t focused on God as a priority there is a very high probability that you will go through a divorce. If you’re not married yet, you should hold off and save yourself the headache, if both of you are not God focused; that should happen first. So if you choose to get married without taking this step first, then plan on giving away whatever you accumulated and be prepared to live a more simple life than you are right now because that is reality.

So how does having God as a priority make a marriage successful?

Marriage is hard work. Each person will need help with marriage because no one is perfect and we truly can’t do it on our own; we will need God’s strength at some point to continue, or to change. Because honestly some situations are just too challenging to deal with on our own. Trust in God.

If a couple is God focused, they commit to obeying the 10 commandments. These are the laws from God that should not be broken.

If both people are focused on God and follow the ways Jesus instructed, then each person will NOT be focused on:

  • sexual immorality
  • impurity
  • lust
  • evil desires
  • greed
  • anger, rage
  • malice
  • slander
  • filthy language
  • lies
  • getting drunk

But they WILL be focused on:

  • compassion
  • kindness
  • humility
  • gentleness
  • patience
  • forgiveness
  • love
  • peace
  • thankfulness, gratitude

2. Two people should know what “LOVE” truly means and be prepared to make that commitment to each other

I wrote about this in detail recently: “Real Love”

3. The husband should desire to do/be the following in marriage:

4. The wife should desire to do/be the following in marriage:

I truly believe that if people followed these guidelines from the Bible, there would no longer be divorce. All the underlined text above has links from the bible for reference. I hope this is helpful to someone who reads.

Real Love – from the #1 source, best seller

Growing up our thoughts about love and relationships are formed based on what we see in other relationships of those we are closest to as well as our personal experiences and just like first-time parents, we may, or may not, have been given the best instruction book for success due to this. People are obviously not perfect in example or in relationships in general.

I believe everyone at some point in their life wants a real “love” relationship experience, especially after getting hurt. But many of us don’t know what “love” truly is, we think we do (again based on what we see or experience), but that could be wrong. We may end up seeking advice from from friends, from books, from music, from others; but often that advice isn’t the best because it is based on other’s personal experiences and personally drawn conclusions, so it might not be applicable to us.

So there is honestly only 1 trustworthy author, who is a guaranteed, reliable source for real love knowledge, because none of us are perfect, or act perfect all the time, so we are not the best sources on love; we are imperfect sources. But God is. God is a trustworthy, guaranteed, eternal, reliable source for love and because of the following reasons:

  • The Bible is inspired by God (through the Holy Spirit, the source of Wisdom) (2 Timothy 3:16) (Isaiah 11:2)
  • The Bible is truth, so that’s the only resource for trusted information. (John 17:17)
  • The Bible tells us: “God is Love” (1 John 4:8), so going straight to the source of Love is the best place for information.
  • According to the Guinness Book of World Records as of 1995, the Bible is the best-selling book of all time with an estimated 5 billion copies sold and distributed. The bible has sold billions of copies and is the best selling book of all time- according to World Atlas as of 2018 also.

So what does the Bible tell us about real love?

  • First God is love and loves us. (Deuteronomy 23:5, Romans 5:5, John 1:17, 1 Thessalonians 1:4, 1 John 4:9 and hundreds of more verses in the Bible) God is perfect, so love described in the Bible is the ONLY perfect, real love.
  • Secondly, Jesus told us the most important choice we can make is: Loving God and loving others (Mark 12 29:31) so we should understand what real love means because it WILL affect us.

So how do we know (recognize) real love and how do we show real love to others?

  • Love is Patient (1 Corinthians 13: 4) – someone who loves shows patience is calm, forgiving, gentle, quiet, tolerant, submissive, persistent, understanding, accommodating, composed, easy-going, even-tempered, untiring, willing to endure, lenient, mild-tempered, persevering, serene
  • Love is Kind (1 Corinthians 13:4) – someone who is kind: affectionate, amiable, charitable, compassionate, considerate, cordial, courteous, friendly, gentle, gracious, humane, kindhearted, loving, sympathetic, thoughtful, tolerant, humanitarian, understanding
  • Love is NOT jealous (1 Corinthians 13:4): it is calm, content, undoubting, unworried, confident, satisfied, trusting, unresentful
  • Love is NOT boastful (1 Corinthians 13:4): it is humble, modest, unconceited
  • Love is NOT proud (1 Corinthians 13:4); it is humble, meek, modest
  • Love is NOT rude (1 Corinthians 13:5); it is decent, gentle, nice, polite, refined, sophisticated, mannerly, respectful
  • Love does NOT demand its own way (1 Corinthians 13: 5); it is easy, flexible, nice, simple, tolerant, yielding, unchallenging
  • Love is NOT irritable (1 Corinthians 13: 5); it is happy, pleasant, cheerful, nice
  • Love keeps no record of being wronged (1 Corinthians 13:5); love forgives and doesn’t remind someone of the past
  • Love supports justice (1 Corinthians 13: 6): it is honesty, integrity, truth
  • Love never gives-up (1 Corinthians 13:7); it compliments, praises, helps, initiates, cares, maintains, continues, fights for, holds on, accepts, embraces, joins, stays, remains, pursues, encourages, grows, builds, defends, treasures, guards, protects, validates, builds up, stabilizes, strengthens, remains, waits, supports
  • Love never loses faith (1 Corinthians 13:7); love has belief, confidence, hope, loyalty, truth, allegiance, assurance, certainty, constancy, fidelity
  • Love is always hopeful (1 Corinthians 13: 7); confident, cheerful, comfortable, eager, enthusiastic, trusting, upbeat, calm, content, faithful, reassuring, forward-looking, serene, encouraging, exciting, uplifting, enlivening, inspiring
  • Love endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:7); it bears hardships and survives, it sustains, weathers, withstands, supports, is patient through circumstances, copes, hangs on, puts up with, persists, remains, stays, lasts, has no end, love lasts FOREVER

Love is NOT:

demanding, pushy, loud, rough, troubled, violent, wild, frustrated, impatient, intolerant, unwilling, aloof, antagonistic, cold, cruel, disagreeable, discourteous, hard, harsh, hateful, inattentive, inconsiderate, indifferent, inhumane, mean, merciless, nasty, rough, rude, thoughtless, uncaring, uncompassionate, unfeeling, unfriendly, unkind, unsociable, violent, bitter, jealous, anxious, apprehensive, envious, intolerant, possessive, skeptical, suspicious, doubting, grabby, guarded, mistrustful, monopolizing, possessory, questioning, boastful, arrogant, cocky, pompous, pretentious, big-headed, conceited, egotistical, hifalutin, know-it-all, hot stuff, loudmouth, self-applauding, smart-alecky, snooty, stuck-up, swanky, imposing, feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded highly valuable, feeling of superiority, abusive, blunt, crude, impolite, insulting, intrusive, obscene, vulgar, abrupt, bad-mannered, discourteous, inconsiderate, savage, challenging, urgent, critical, difficult, exhausting, hard, onerous, pressing, strict, taxing, tough, troublesome, trying, nagging, wearing, bothersome, dictatorial, fussy, grievous, insistent, oppressive, annoyed, resentful, testy, cantankerous, complaining, dissatisfied, easily offended, gloomy, grouchy, grumbling, hasty, huffy, hypercritical, moody, ill-humored, oversensitive, quick-tempered, sensitive, tense, touchy, corrupt, dishonest, lawlessness, unethical, unfair, partiality, abandoning, leaving alone, quitting, dropping, deserting, backing out, avoiding, keeping from, withdrawing, leaving hanging, calling it quits, backing off, copping out, holding back, getting “cold feet,” letting go, discarding, dumping, aborting, ignoring, disloyal, dishonest, doubtful, inconsistent, uncertain, rejecting, skeptic, apathetic, depressed, disinterested, down, hopeless, pessimistic, sad, unenthusiastic, unhappy, desperate, despondent, fearful, gloomy

After reading about real love from the Bible, was it what you thought it was?

Love was defined differently than I would have described it. It was enlightening for me the first time I read it. After reading it, I don’t think any of us are born being truly loving people, it’s not natural, we are much more self-centered (think about babies) Love is something we learn overtime by practicing it and choosing it over what real love is not. Real love is a choice we make, not a feeling we feel. The “feeling” by itself is lust; it’s not love. Love is a choice of compassion.

This knowledge is helpful when evaluating “love” and evaluating ourselves in life- how loving are we? And definitely knowledge we need to comprehend before we make a life time commitment to someone; both parties deserve that.

What is my (our) Purpose in Life?

About five years ago, this question became more important to me: “What is my purpose in life?”

(To be honest, this question was lingering in me, unrecognized as a teenager too, but I never put much thought into it. I would make decisions about my future when I felt like I was running out of time, and had to choose something, then I’d quickly make a decision, go with it, figuring out how to make it work over time.)

As time passed, I truly wanted to know the answer because I felt like there had to be more to life. I felt like I had been wasting time, and didn’t want to continue this way, so I started searching for the answer. I can remember thinking: “We can’t just be here to eat, sleep, and do whatever it is that keeps us busy during the day and night?” There should be something more important, more meaningful in life, than “existing and taking up space:” a Purpose.

I finally stumbled upon the answer to this question in the Bible:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

So the answer is: God created each of us with a specific purpose to fulfill. But when we find an answer like this, let’s be honest: “Who is looking to do MORE work and have MORE responsibilities than we already have?” Probably not many, UNLESS the REWARD is worth it, right? So is the reward worth it? YES! For this answer to be personally true, meaningful and understood for each of us, it requires a relevant context, because without that, we are probably not interested.

So why is this information relevant to each and every person?

It is relevant because it affects our future: what happens to us and is something that only we, personally, can direct, through our daily choices. To receive the reward, we must have faith in Jesus, however we will be judged on our faith through our actions (our works and obeying the Ten Commandments). “Faith without works is dead.” James 2:14-26

So why would we trust what the Bible has to say?

The information in the Bible is from God, our creator, Who speaks only in truth, and reveals some of the mysterious aspects of our existence through the Bible about what is happening and why it is happening. The Bible is an historical book providing reasons why some events took place, giving proof of God through miraculous events, prophesies that came true and through living proof when Jesus was present on earth and teaching, died and rose from the dead. All of this was done to help us, strengthen us and for God to see what choice we will make once we find out and learn about this. (Think about this: Have you ever evaluated a relationship to see if it was worthwhile? That’s what God’s doing with us: He’s giving us a choice about a relationship with Him.)

The Bible is like an “open book test”: the answers are there, but will we seek them and then apply them to be successful? What we are experiencing in our lives right now is something more significant in process: it is a test with a significant reward (heaven/eternal life), if we are successful and horrible consequences (hell) if we fail. So this is why it is important to know what’s in the Bible and apply what we learn.

This is personal: the best way to get answers to our individual questions is by reading the Bible and praying for the understanding of what we read, because this is how God communicates with us; God will provide clarity, directly to each of us when we are looking for answers in the Bible and through prayer. Seek God first in everything. (Matthew 6:33)

So getting back to our purpose in life, I wondered: We were created to do what specific “good works”?

Doing these “good works” and obeying is evidence of our Faith, which is required to receive God’s reward and our life right now is a TEST. The day-to-day “worldly” things that we experience and worry about are truly UNIMPORTANT and INSIGNIFICANT when we understand the high level reason we were created and what we should have our focus. There is so much to focus on in life, but if we make God the priority and focus in our minds, everything else will fall into place. That’s why the Bible tells us not to worry: God provides what we need in support of His plan for us. (Side note: this also explains the reason for some unanswered prayers.) This also requires faith; we have to have faith in God to really believe that He provides, but little by little as our faith grows, we start seeing this come true, which grows our faith.

Getting back to “good works” I also found this answer:

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” Romans 12:6

The gifts, given by God for the purpose God determined when He created us, are:

  1. Prophesying: boldly proclaiming God’s word
  2. Serving: physical and spiritual help provided to others
  3. Teaching: applying information from the Bible in a clear, accurate and understanding way to others
  4. Encouraging: motivating others to take action and fulfill their purpose
  5. Giving: providing material and financial resources to others
  6. Leading: various Leadership Roles
  7. Showing Mercy: comforting those in need

What gift is mine?

When we work using the specific gift we were created for, our actions happen with ease, we are comfortable and enjoy what we are doing, using the gift feels natural to us, personally. The specific gift we were given is also something that others will notice in us, and likely tell us we seem so “natural” in our actions when operating in that way.

Life is complicated, but the overall simple goal and purpose for us is to Love. Love God and each other.

In summary: God created each of us for a specific purpose of His, and provides us unique gifts to fulfill His plan; which also means every person is very important and is here for a reason!

“Love, Sex & Dating”

Wow!  I just finished this book and found the information so valuable that it was worth sharing: The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating  (link to Amazon if you want to purchase) if only I had read this when I was 17! I highly recommend this book (written for both men and women audiences) if:

  • You’re single
  • You’re in a relationship
  • You’re married, yes even if you’re married!
  • You’re any age, thinking about dating soon
  • Your parents divorced
  • Your parents stayed married but weren’t the best relationship role models

The book discusses:  what love truly is, what love isn’t, what happens when sex is involved, the effect of American cultural influences and how to find “the right one”.  If you’re married or in a relationship, the book is still relevant because you can improve your relationship by applying the principles of love covered in the book and become “the right one” for each other, if that seems to be missing.

Finding “The Right One” Euphoria: (Chapter 1) everyone who experiences finding “the right one,” wants this to last forever: fun, exciting, effortless, passionate, great chemistry, nothing could top this, pure happiness – yet this is exactly where our greatest troubles can begin, if it’s truly not “the right one, the only one, the one we marry” and/or you or the other person is not prepared.

“Divorce statistics:  67% of second and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.”  Why? One or more people are not prepared for the commitment due to unresolved: dependency issues, addiction issues, relationship track record, financial issues, moral issues, etc.

Being Prepared:  (Chapters 2, 3 and 4) what does it take to be prepared for “finding the right one”?  We need to become “the right person” we seek.  All the qualities we want in “the right one” we need to exhibit in ourselves. The healthier we are for being in a relationship, the healthier our relationship will be.  Basically work on ourselves before seeking “the right one”.  “Like attracts like.”

Love. (Chapter 5) Many think we know what “love” means, but the book defines real love.  This love definition is something probably many of us heard before, but don’t stop when you read that, take the time to read further into the provided examples of how those words apply to your relationship.  Try a self examination to see if you are a person who truly exhibits “love.”  When I read it, it was clear that I had work to do.  Reading it, I wondered if anyone masters these traits, or is this something that we continually need to go back to for check ups, reminders of what it means to love?  To receive love, we need to give love.

And the following are probably better left to the book:

(Chapter 6) just for men.

(Chapter 7) “The Way Forward”

(Chapter 8 & 9) Sex

(Chapter 10) The Upcoming Year- action plan

This book may challenge and change your thoughts.