I wasn’t satisfied with my life. I continually made goals, found something to look forward to, something to create and work on, but once it was accomplished, it seemed to lead to a “dead end, an unfulfilled feeling” – I didn’t find the happiness, joy, peace and comfort, or sense of accomplishment I hoped for throughout the life I lived. I was disappointed and I wondered if this is all there is to life?
A tragedy lead me to a new quest, a quest for “answers” about life. A well liked, respected, happy teenager died in a car crash on the way to work. This gave me even more questions about life, purpose, why did this happen but it led me back to church in 2015. It also led me to realizing how short life can be and I had a feeling of wanting to make the most of it; to “make it count” as this teenager said it. Only I did it the wrong way “make it count” doesn’t mean “live it up,” doesn’t mean “escape.” (I see in hindsight this is where the “tug of war” started, I was being pulled in opposite directions: towards God and away from God at the same time.) Two years later, I still didn’t have the answers, feel complete or fulfilled but I knew one thing: I wasn’t seeing anything positive coming from my life. Inside I still had hopefulness, but disappointments continued.
One evening at church, I decided to turn it over to Jesus, to surrender my life to Jesus- that was 2017. I didn’t know what that truly meant but what it meant to me was to pray every day in the morning when I woke up and at night before I went to bed: for guidance. And this is what happened, almost immediately bad things started happening to me, but I stuck with it and kept praying. Then I went into a period that felt like a roller coaster ride: big swings of good things happening followed by disappointments over and over again, but I didn’t loose my prayers, I kept praying.
After two years of this, at my lowest point, in 2019, I called out to God in prayer: “What is going on!? I’m trying to do the right things so why is all this happening to me?” Then I opened the bible on my nightstand, the bible I bought but never opened hoping for “something”, and I got more than something! I received insight! “Spiritual warfare” became clear to me; it was the Book of Job that I had opened to, and the first book I read. It then made sense to me what I was going through: I was trying to get closer to God so I was being met with spiritual resistance; God allowed me to be tested. I stuck with my prayer plan but things didn’t get much better and seemed to be getting worse. I had specific questions about how I was living my life, so I decided to try to find the answers in the bible, I started seeking those answers in the fall of 2019, I made the decision and made a goal of reading the entire bible to find out what’s in there: front to back. I did this during every free moment I had and was able to accomplish it in 3 months (August – October).
It opened my eyes to so much. It “convicted” me and made me cry. I knew I had to change things about the way I was living because “sin” separates us from God. I didn’t want to be separated from God. I found out things I didn’t even think were “sin” that I had done in ignorance were sin and did some that I knew were wrong, but made excuses. I decided I wanted and needed to change. This wasn’t a very “uplifting” time of my life, I was confronted with everything “wrong” that I did. It was depressing but it was the truth and I didn’t want it in my life any longer, it had to go. I started making changes and lost people that were in my life as a result, not by my choice, by their choice; they rejected me. Then the 2020 pandemic hit and it affected the world. It made me wonder if this was more significant than the event itself, did it have biblical significance?
I started seeking answers again and arrived at the conclusion that this must be a “wake up” call from God to all of us. I continued studying the bible during the “shut down” of the world and learned a lot about bible prophecy- events that haven’t happened yet. At the same time it became apparent that corruption within the world was being exposed and was greater than I ever could have imagined. Beliefs and trust I had were blown apart during this time. I then realized I couldn’t trust anyone (other than God). People were proving to be more “evil” than I ever anticipated. I was shocked, so I “detached” from most people and spent more time studying scripture and in prayer.
My prayer life then changed. I started asking God direct questions in prayer, starting with a closed bible, asking Him to respond to my question through scripture. It started happening (I was getting answers), but I wasn’t completely convinced, I thought it could be a coincidence. That was until April of 2020, I asked a question and opened the bible but I didn’t like the response, so I shut the bible and tried again, but I opened to the same page. I closed it, prayed again and opened to the book of Job (which is about being tested). I was still not convinced, so I closed the book again, prayed and opened it up to the same exact page I had opened twice before, but didn’t like the response! This was too much of a “coincidence” to be ignored for me: 3 times opening to the exact same page; a page that wasn’t creased, saved or visited probably not more than once before (ie. the first time I read the bible). I called my mom about it and shared it with her; it was not something positive that I read, so I was not going to share it with anyone else. Then a month later, it happened! The response found in the bible happened. It wasn’t what I wanted, but in prayer that day I opened the bible, I had asked God for clarity about what was happening- what the outcome of current prayers would be because this was something that was being prayed about for a long time by multiple people and we were seeing encouragement, then discouragement in response to the prayers, so just like before when I didn’t understand what was happening in my life, I wanted to know about this, so I asked God.
After this, whenever I had questions, I would pray to God, ask Him to direct me to something in the bible that would answer my question and it worked. I say “it worked” because I would get an answer then oddly various God focused people would mention the same subject that very day or within 24 hours, I usually heard the message repeated about 3 times from different sources. This seemed to be confirmation to me. This continues currently.
At this point, in May 2020, I decided I was ready to get baptized. I delayed this decision because I knew I wasn’t living my life in obedience to God and I didn’t want to get baptized and be a “fake” Christian, but I was finally ready, I signed up BUT the annual baptism event that occurred in June at the church I was attending was canceled due to the pandemic restrictions, so I didn’t get baptized in 2020.
In August 2021, I happened to see an email from the church, somewhat of a “last call” for anyone who wanted to participate in the September 2021 baptism. This was odd to me! For years the baptism was offered in June, but now I see one for September? I signed up, but almost missed it! Thankfully I got in and I did it.
September 12, 2021 I was baptized! But this is when more unusual things started happening. The night I was baptized, I had a spiritual dream. It wasn’t a positive one, it was somewhat threatening so I shared it with someone I know who is a true Christian, I prayed about it, prayed for forgiveness of my past, prayed for protection and affirmed my decision to follow Jesus and reject everything contrary. Some time later (weeks or months later), I was alone, it was nighttime and I literally saw the exact imagery I had dreamed about in the sky that evening. I took a video of the sky because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing: EXACTLY what I dreamt about. Then after this, more started happening. I started having spiritual dreams which I NEVER had in my life before. They were very detailed and the strangest part about this is that parts of my dreams started happening in my real life, not just once, but numerous times. I wrote down my dreams and recently recorded them on my podcast (Faith podcast link). I decided to record them after things that I dreamt about happened over and over again. It was another point where I thought: I don’t think this is coincidental, something is happening. I had 9 dreams so far, since my baptism, the last one was Mother’s Day 2022. The dreams encouraged me in faith and belief that God is real and the bible is true!
Through these past three years of seeking God, seeking answers and studying the bible, I finally know the God who was once distant from me, who I “knew of,” but didn’t know personally. During this time and through my trying times, God provided exactly what I needed: not more, not less, but just exactly enough. I finally know God better but also believe there is probably still so much more to know. The distant God I learned about in religion, showed up in my life when I started seeking Him. In hindsight I see that He was always there, patiently waiting for me to “wake up” I am forever grateful that I “woke up” in time. God is there for all of us, patiently waiting, loving us and hoping that we seek Him and love Him back. He loved us first, He loves us despite our bad choices in life and longingly, patiently is waiting for all who have not turned to Him. This is my experience, and now my prayer for you: that you may “wake up” and get to know the real, living, communicative God who loves you and wants you in eternity with Him when this all transitions from a broken world to the perfect world God has prepared, waiting for His Children.
The bible reveals God’s nature, His love for us. He created each of us out of love, He delights in us (those He created). He is saddened by our blindness to Him and the sin we choose that separates us from Him. He wants us back, but leaves the choice to us: do we love Him back? Will we seek Him? He made it easy for us to be with Him in eternity: it is a simple choice: do we choose Him in return? He took care of the “law” and judgement of us through Jesus. Jesus specifically came for sinners (all of us) to enlighten us about God, the future kingdom, during his years of teaching and then he provided the way for us to be in eternity with God. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life- the only way to the Father (God). The “law” (the 10 Commandments) teach us what is right and wrong. The payment for breaking the commandments is death. Without Jesus, that will be our future: death/eternal separation from God because God is Holy and sin can’t be in the presence of holiness, whatever contains sin dies in the presence of holiness (we find this information in the bible). But Jesus provides protection from judgement through his death on the cross. Protection for those who accept, have faith, believe and trust in Jesus. That’s what it means that “Jesus paid the price” for us. He gave his life in exchange for our death. Jesus, the Son of God, was sinless and obedient to God the Father. He was the only “acceptable” being that could pay for the enormity of sin of all mankind, because he was and is perfect/without sin. He willingly suffered and died specifically to save our lives through satisfying the law of justice. This is a spiritual law that we may not fully understand, but God is just, the law is just and God took action to save us from the law of death because He loves us and want us with Him. This is something many of us can’t truly comprehend completely: the extent of His love and willingness to do whatever it takes. God is love.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
If you haven’t already done this, please seek God, get to know Him, it is worth it and will change your life, make your life complete. I am praying for all who read or hear this. God is compassionate and forgiving. Life is complete when we are connected to Jesus. Jesus is our protection and our way to an immortal life once God gives us His Spirit which happens when we ask Jesus for this and He sees our good intention by our response to His love. Jesus told us the way we show God our love back to Him is through obeying His commands. He is so encouraging to us, He even gives us His spirit to help us where and when we are weak but seeking Him. The flesh is weak but God’s spirit is strong. God’s spirit fills the gap of our weakness and give us love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Completeness) When we choose to surrender to God, we become a brother or sister to Jesus and a spiritual child of God. We become “born again.” Jesus told us that we will not be in God’s kingdom unless we are “born again”- born of the Spirit. Have God’s spirit residing in us. We are promised an inheritance with an eternal immortal life with God, so incredibly beautiful and fulfilling that it can’t be adequately described by any of us, but there is this revelation of the presence of God that happened to me in my dreams that I can’t describe well enough either, but I will assure you: you want this in your life, you will be grateful in the future that you made this choice to love God back- to be “born again”!
S.A.I.L. 