I haven’t written anything in a couple weeks because nothing has motivated me to write.  But tonight a few things triggered a desire to write.  As I start writing, I have no idea where this is going, but I’m writing as I usually do, based on what is on my mind as I am writing.


The first writing motivation, or trigger, tonight was reading a very long post on Instagram while I was waiting for someone.  In summary, the post said “we’re tired of the same old shit” and went on to describe how there are “very few real words, or uncensored truths”… “the things that aren’t aesthetically pleasing or refined or perfectly framed” and how this has “become the standard of practice”…”bullshitters” … with “well placed products and inspiring Muir quotes” and how “we are all guilty of bypassing the real, and favouring false importance”… the author desires the “real” though and “not trying to sell you anything.”  The post went on to say: “We have a new website coming out and are looking for contributors that would like to share their words, media, and stories. You can say reprehensible words, like, ‘F@#%’, and tell everyone about that time you got drunk and barfed in your tent, or recount the personalities we meet along the road that seem to stick with us for life. It’s up to you.  Pitch us. Hello” (I had to add the contact information in case someone is interested in contributing to their cause, which I think is a great idea, by the way)


It’s true, there is a lot of “the perfect world” in social media, maybe because people crave an “escape from reality” ?  Anyway, this hit home with me and what happened tonight, so I decided to write this.  I thought about my own IG account where my posts are generally about the happy moments in my life, although I do have a few sentimental posts, but mostly, I focus on what I want to remember: the positive. I do this intentionally because when I have a bad day, I can just look back and see something that made me happy and it does improve my mood.   This doesn’t mean that I don’t have unhappy moments in my life, my life is far from perfect and I’ve had my share of struggles along the way, and still do.


I also started to think about people who have harder struggles than I have and how they might feel seeing all these “happy people” everywhere on social media and reflecting on their personal situations. I think most people know this though: “happy” is not ALL the time, so when we are facing a struggle, we are not alone, many others are facing struggles too.  But “happy” is a focus and anyone who chooses can make themselves happy people, we must want it enough to focus on it as much as possible to make it happen.  I will bet that there isn’t one “happy” person who hasn’t struggled with something or many things.  Often I find the people who have struggled the most appear to be the happiest, or have the happiest spirit about them.  This might be explained because when we experience times that are so tough or unhappy, when we finally are happy, there is so much gratitude we have that we are “overly” happy!  For me personally, I admit, I choose to focus on the positive, serene, beautiful, happy, and fun whenever possible because focusing on the opposite would drain me to where I couldn’t function as the real me, if I dwelled on the negative.  But as that IG post stated, I also appreciate the truth, the honesty, the real, especially when being this way isn’t likely going to be mainstream, or make us “look good”; it takes courage to expose ourselves in that way.


The second trigger for me wanting to write tonight was an argument with someone I care about very much.  I try to avoid hostile confrontation of any kind because I don’t believe it’s necessary.  I believe that whatever is causing the problem can be resolved by talking, but as soon as one person starts with “the verbal stab” it becomes a full-on war and it escalates, particularly if I feel disrespected.  Even though I avoid confrontation, I will not let someone treat me poorly; I don’t care who it is.  Being respectful is always required in my opinion.  It’s okay to disagree, or state your opinion or feelings, but disrespect doesn’t deserve a response.  When I feel disrespected, I say something, I do not tolerate it, then I try to get away from the situation.  I try to just stop whatever was going on and leave.  That started to happen tonight but led to more drama and heightened emotions from the person pulling a third person into the situation, which wasn’t my choice either.  I would prefer to handle it individual to individual, and talk through it, but that didn’t happen.  This third party just made things even worse and I got involved again.  So I had to step away and honestly, I just prayed hard that God would help me handle this horrible situation, because my emotions were getting the best of me.  After a few minutes, I could hold back my words and just take care of what needed to be done and focus on getting it over.


While I was in the process of trying to keep calm, I happened to be in a public place, which make this even worse: my deep-down emotions overruled my logic and I lost it…tears streaming uncontrollably.  I tried to keep a distance far enough from others to keep them from noticing, which was very uncomfortable and awkward. Then one person noticed because she had to ask me a question and when I responded, she said kind words and offered me a tissue, but that just made me cry more.  As this was happening, the third person, not present with us, began texting disrespectful insulting things to me. I couldn’t wait to leave and end this situation.  I avoided facial contact with anyone because my face was red, swollen and tears streaming down my face as I made it back to the car and then the tears hit even harder, but I didn’t talk anymore.


I realized as questions were asked of me during the departing ride that this person I care about wanted me to feel this way and basically said “this is what you get.”  Hearing those words filled me with mixed emotions:  anger because this argument now seemed intentional, but also hurt because it wasn’t expected, I was doing a favor for this person when all of this started.  I realized a couple other things tonight, that I respond two different ways based on how much I care about the person:  I still cry when it’s with someone I truly care about but with the third person, I was “numb” to that disrespect; it bothered me, but emotionally I wasn’t affected as badly anymore; it no longer makes me cry.


This is life; it sucks sometimes.  And even sucks more when heading into what should be an enjoyable, happy holiday.   Don’t hate me now, but despite this event tonight, I intend to wake up tomorrow in a happy mood.  Writing this helped me release some of the emotions. It was a tough night and I’m ready for a new better day ahead!

I hope your tomorrow is brighter too!

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