Tag: suicide

2 am this morning and I wake up like it’s time to get prepared for the day, except it’s not! But a clear thought was in my head:

“All action eventually leads to a result – based on the priority we give it.”

If you review the titles of my prior blogs, you will see they are a journal of life events over the past four years (since 2016), searching for happiness and life purpose, leading to change along the way. In hindsight, the past four years went by so quickly but I’m not yet where I want to be in life. I hesitated in writing anything reflecting on 2019 because I can only describe it as one of the most challenging years of my life in almost every aspect (everything I prioritized in life was in turmoil); the positive highlights are the only things I posted on social media.

Having my priorities in life in turmoil, led me to the darkest time of my life, so dark that I was truly ready for my life to be over which further complicated my life by paralyzing my ability to accomplish anything that was a priority to me. Before I scare anyone I know reading this, I do not believe in suicide and that was never an option for me: I believe only God holds that authority to end a life; not us. A few who are closest to me suggested seeing a counselor to get through this, which I did, but was ineffective for me unfortunately. I wanted help getting through this time in my life, but it didn’t happen from the outside, so I stopped. But I knew that I needed help. It was finally at this point when I truly gave up on everything and tried one more way for help: I thought: if God created everything, He can do the impossible; then He is the only way I will get through this.

My first realization: While I was partially focused on changing my way of living, I wasn’t completely. Looking back to something I wrote years ago (2017) about Trust and Obey shows my resistance to obedience. As I’ve heard before: we keep experiencing the same results until we learn the lesson. And 2019 was living proof that it’s not enjoyable continuing the lessons, it’s easier to be obedient to God’s commands.

My second realization: I was still putting other things/sources before God; I wasn’t completely trusting God to make the significant changes in my life.

I started reading the bible, obsessed with trying to gain wisdom and understanding from the bible to get through this time because it was my only hope. While reading it, I realized I never truly “Surrendered to God” like I thought I did a couple years ago. I believed I surrendered, when I asked God to guide me, but I was still living how I wanted to live and doing everything based on my own feelings. After reading the bible, it became clear: I needed to change the way I was living. I read about peace, joy, contentment, no anxiety, no worries in all times of life, but I wasn’t experiencing that and didn’t understand why it wasn’t happening for me, when so many wrote about that experience in the bible? I needed that.

It was when I paid attention to a certain detail in the bible that I found the answer. There were people who were baptized by someone, but didn’t receive the Spirit of God. I know this is an “out there” kind of statement for many people, but it’s in the bible and I have faith. Here are the supporting verses from the bible:

“because the Holy Spirit had not yet come on any of them; they had simply been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus” Acts 8:16 NIV

“For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit” Acts 1:5 NIV

“Then I remembered what the Lord had said: ‘John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.‘ Acts 11:16 NIV

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 28;19 NLT

John the Baptist baptized people in preparation for Jesus, this baptism was for repentance (deep sorrow for a past sin, wrongdoing, regret for past action), but the Holy Spirit is what people need for guidance, strength and true life change.

“I didn’t know he was the one, but when God sent me to baptize with water, he told me, ‘The one on whom you see the Spirit descend and rest is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ John 1:33 NLT

“As Jesus came up out of the water, he saw the heavens splitting apart and the Holy Spirit descending on him like a dove.” Mark 1:10 NLT

“I baptize with water those who repent of their sins and turn to God. But someone is coming soon who is greater than I am- so much greater that I’m not worthy even to be his slave and carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.” Matthew 3:11 NLT

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness” Galatians 5:22 NLT

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere- in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:8 NLT

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 NLT

“So you received the message with joy from the Holy Spirit in spite of the severe suffering it brought you. In this way, you imitated both us and the Lord.” 1 Thessalonians 1:16 NLT

“But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true- it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.” 1 John 2:27 NLT

“So how does a person become filled with the Holy Spirit?” was my next question.

“He is the Holy Spirit, who leads to all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.” John 14:17 NLT

“Peter replied, “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Acts 2:38 NLT

When we live our lives as Jesus showed by his actions and advice (turning away from sin), we are able to receive the Holy Spirit.

“Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead be filled with the Holy Spirit.” Ephesians 5:18 NLT

“But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.)” Romans 8:9 NLT

“And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.” Ephesians 4:30 NLT

Changing the way we live:

“With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. ‘And don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them…Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4: 17 -32

My third realization: Even though 2019 was one of my worst years ever, it brought me closer to God.

My fourth realization: This is something else that I found throughout the bible: God uses hardships to draw people closer to Him – that must be what has been happening in my life. There are numerous examples and stories in the bible about this.

My fifth realization (this morning):

“All action eventually leads to a result – based on the priority we give it.”

Seeking God daily by listening to encouraging, motivational bible derived messages that apply to every day living (click for a resource I access) (website) or reading something from the bible that’s relevant to a feeling I’m experiencing through this app (click here) appears to be making a difference for me: I truly am much more at peace with life even when it’s not easy, I have more patience, calmness, almost no anxiety, even though I should based on circumstances, I don’t have it, I trust that God will take care of it, if I do what is right. And after I started changing my ways, truly unexpected numerous good things began happening in my life.

This experience made me realize that God needs to remain THE priority in my life. This is wisdom from the bible: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33